Thursday, June 24, 1999
I just don't feel like doing anything tonight. It's like this when I'm going away. I get this feeling that I just want to curl up in bed and not do anything and I have to fight to keep from doing it. I think it's because I am afraid of doing anything different. I am afraid everytime I'm going to travel, especially by myself.
I'm excited also and enjoy planning trips and camping, but I am afraid. If you never do anything you're afraid of you'll have a pretty miserable life. You have to do things you don't want to or you'll just turn into a vegetable or end up with a life that is pretty miserable.
You can't just say you don't feel like doing things, because most of the work (and play) in the world is done by people who really don't feel like doing it. You do it anyway and usually end up enjoying it more that you thought you would. I even get lethargic about social events. That's one area that is a lot harder for me and I don't do as well with it.
Once I'm traveling I'm better, but I still worry about things working out right and being okay and not messing things up and . . . . There are so many things to worry about, but it's wonderful to just be traveling and that wins out and I end up loving the travel. Camping has it's own set of fears. I used to be terrified that I would be killed and it took years to be able to sleep through the night. Every little sound had me worried. Now I get that sometimes but fairly rarely.
It took a long time to realize that my trip won't be totally ruined if I take a different route or don't find the campgrounds or have to stay at a more expensive motel. Life works out and I'll survive, but it's still scary to not have everything planned to the minute and not know where I'm staying that night.
I could get killed crossing the street or lose everything I have with a fire or end up crippled or chronically ill even when staying home and doing nothing. Being safe all your life isn't really much of a guarantee. I don't know why I still get afraid since I've been doing things that other people consider scary for most of my life since I decided a long time ago that I was not going to become a prisoner in my home like I've seen with so many people, especially women.
Walked - 3 miles