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Wednesday, May 12, 1999

A topic came up on a forum I get on where someone asked what role we played in our family. Another person said the "good girl" and I said yeah. I was a good girl. Even now I resent what I missed out on because I always wanted to do the "right" thing. I still feel like I should do the "right" thing, but what is right isn't quite the same now, though there are still a lot of similarities.

I realized on thinking more about it that while I wanted to be the good girl and I tried to be the good girl, I didn't quite make it. I was a little too antisocial and a little too stubborn so while I didn't do what seemed like fun I didn't get much credit for doing what was right. Sort of like not having your cake OR getting to eat it. I was neither a slut or a madonna. Neither a leader or a follower. Lukewarm.

When I was a single mother with small children, I would hear about women having their children taken away because they had boyfriends sleep over so I was careful to not bring anyone home, only that meant there wasn't anyone. Not that I wouldn't choose my kids over a boyfriend anytime, but I didn't have to be that good. I worried about them getting taken away because I was a terrible housekeeper but I never really got to be a good housekeeper. I worried a lot because I really still believed that if "they" found out what a bad mother I was they would take my children away. I knew I could never be good enough to be a good mother.

A good mother liked baking cookies and went to all the PTA meetings and helped her children with their homework and made sure they were active in scouts and soccer and whatever. All I could do was love them and tell them that they could do anything because they were so smart and wonderful. And I was right, they were/are wonderful.

I worried about being fired at work. Everywhere I worked I worried and I always got good reviews and was told I was a good worker. I worried because I was sure that someone would realize that I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing and then I would get fired, because I wasn't "good enough" at what I did.

I would start a project and then never finish it because I "knew" I could never be good enough and I had to be or it wasn't worth it. Perfectionism was the death knell to so much I could have done. How did I end up here thinking about language tapes I never finished?

Ok, ok. That felt good to rant about.

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Walked - 3 miles

Rachel Aschmann 1999.
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