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Wednesday, April 7, 1999

Walked - 0 miles

I was back at work today. My back was still a little tight but I felt guilty about staying home when I wasn't in agony. I have an overdeveloped sense of duty, at least where work is concerned. I spent too many years feeling like I would get fired at anytime once they found out that I was just faking it. I was good at work and at what I do and did, but I still had this feeling that I would be found out.

Now this was worst when my children were small and I was always one paycheck away from being on the street. I never felt confident enough to really accept that I was a good worker even though I always got good job reviews. Much of this was just the fear of not having a job but some of it was that I always felt less capable than everyone else.

I never felt like I was a good enough daughter or a good enough sister or a good enough wife or a good enough mother. This is part of the reason that I tend to push people away because I'm afraid if they really get to know me they won't like me.

I know that everyone that I've gotten to know is just as imperfect as I am and no one fits that perfect image. The ones that are the most critical are often the ones that are trying to cover up the most problems. Are other people pretending too? Yep!

Why am I like this? Damned if I know but it makes me one hell of a good employee. Gotta have money to live. I also ended up with a strong sense that I should take responsibility for my actions. I think that's a good thing. I don't always do it but I do try. Doesn't make me that good in relationships, but I'm working on it. I ended up with two fine kids, so I did something right.

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Rachel Aschmann 1999.
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