Rambling with Words

Journal Index

Monday, March 15, 1999

I feel a little at odds today. I realized while driving home yesterday that I wasn't enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I was a little put out that I couldn't write about what I was seeing or read about where I was, or even just read a magazine. When I'm with someone in a car I prefer to drive but by myself I find that I really don't like to drive as much as I used to. There are still places that I can't get to without a car, but since there are so many places I've never been to that you can get to without a car, how bad off am I? It was a relief to finally take the rental car back this morning.

The second reason I was a bit depressed was that last night a lady I used to work with called about some of us getting together. I thought that was great and told her so. It wasn't till I looked at myself in the mirror this morning that I realized that I had gained 30 pounds since I last saw them. Two years ago I quit smoking and about six months after that I started on estrogen. I had started gaining weight last year but this year I seem to have no metabolism.

I've always been proud that I wasn't fat, though I would never have put it that way to anyone, but I was usually a bit underweight. I also smoked two to three packs of cigarettes a day. I feel good and other than not being able to bend over as easy I'm in good shape and can walk 10K walks or more with no problem, even though I am about twenty pounds over what the charts say I should be. I never thought I would worry about people thinking I was fat, but I do.

I also tend to stress if I have a social occasion with people I'm not very close with. I start to get depressed and I'm not sure why. I think that part of it is that I don't know what will happen and I do worry about how I will appear to other people. You would think that if I care so much I would work harder at being a scintillating and in shape person that everyone would admire, but noooo, I just stay my rather go with what's going on persona. Actually, I'm much better at handing social situations than I used to be and am much more relaxed in any situation where I'm with other people. I do go too far sometimes and end up with no social life, which is where I am now, so having a social event to go to is a bit upsetting to me, since I feel I should have something to do instead of just spend time with people I only see once a year, if that.

Work was fine, though I'm picking up the slack since a lady in our team is on vacation, but the rest of life seems to be upsetting me today. I even felt like crying, but then I was upset because I was letting life upset me like that. I've gotten these spells of depression all my life and some of them lasted for weeks. Since I never had the money for therapy, I just would get up in the morning and go to work. I've gotten them less and less as I've grown older and they rarely last more than a day anymore, and are not nearly as severe as they used to be.

©Rachel Aschmann 1999.
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