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Sunday, December 9, 2001

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Feeling alive again

I got back from my trip to Seattle on Friday, November 30th, and found I had a major cold. I've been going to work since this is a critical time of the year for tax stuff but I don't know how efficient I've been. At times I felt like I was in a daze and I've probably infected all of accounts payable.

I had a doctors appointment that I had set up to meet my new doctor so I could renew my prescriptions. I went on Wednesday and she was very nice and talked to me. In fact, all she did was talk to me. My blood pressure is a little too high and she set up an appointment in a month just to check on that. She also wants me to get a bunch of blood tests done which I hate since I can't eat the night before.

She did give me a prescription for a different sleeping pill which she said was not habit forming like the one I have now and is also a mild anti-depressant, since I mentioned that I was often depressed. I'm suppose to start with one and can work up to six, though she said I would probably feel like I have a hangover. That night I took one, and wasn't sleeping, and I was so tired. So, I took a second one and slept fitfully, but the next day it was like I was sedated all day and felt like I was wading through molasses. It was horrible.

Since then I've only taken one each night and have slept better each night since then. Hopefully this will regulate my sleeping so I won't need to take them all the time. I didn't take the others more than a couple times a week, usually, so I wouldn't become dependent. I know that sleeping pills are major narcotics like they used to be but I still worry. In fact, I worry enough that I probably didn't take the other ones I had as much as I should. I think I will do better with this doctor as I feel like she will keep an eye on me. I have the appointment in January for her to check on me and another in March for a physical. They are booked enough that they can't fit in the full physical till then.

She's also an osteopath and, while I have misgivings about manipulations, I have found osteopaths to take a little more interest in their patients than regular doctors. I'm interested to see how the anti-depressant works as I basically self medicated for years. . . with cigarettes. Nicotine is such a wonderful drug. It peps you up and calms you down, wakes you up and puts you to sleep. I started having problems with sleeping when I tried to quit smoking about ten years ago and each time I tried to quit the sleeping was worse. Right now I'm very relaxed, too relaxed, but I don't know if that's the anti-depressant or my cold.

Even last night I didn't sleep all night but woke up two or three times. It's been a while since I slept through an entire night without waking. That would be so nice. It makes me understand why sleep deprivation is used as torture. I've never gotten quite that bad but there have been a few times when I yearned to go to bed but I also knew, unlike the torture victims, that even though I was so tired I still wouldn't sleep very well.

I haven't even gotten the journals for my trip up yet. I just didn't want to spend the energy to move them over and format them. Hopefully I'll get to that now that I'm feeling better.

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Rachel Aschmann 2001.
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