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Thursday, May 24, 2001

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Leave me alone

I'm so tired of hearing about what life should be like because it won't ever be like that. I just have the strength or interest to deal with life the way it is now. Yes I would like to have a car, sometimes, but I don't and don't plan to get one in the near future so I just deal with not having a car. Since I don't have a car I wish there was better transit in Tucson, but there's not so I just deal with that.

I wish I was better at meeting people and making friends, but I'm not so I just deal with that and try to be as friendly as I can though often I evidently do not seem to be friendly though I don't realize that I'm coming across like that. I know I'll never have a wide circle of friends and I deal with that.

I wish I had more money and were better at handling it, but I don't and I'm not, so I deal with it and try to handle it the best I can. I find I handle money better when I realize that I'm not good at handling my money. I know I'll never have a high paying career because of choices that I made so I just put it aside and go on with life. Some choices were stupid but some were good choices, like when I chose to raise my children. I knew even then that I didn't have the energy to raise them and be on a high powered career track, like women had to be to get anywhere, so I raised my kids and never regretted it. Well, I would have liked more money too but I figure I got the best of the deal.

I just want to enjoy what I have and not be constantly told I need more or should be more or should do more. I don't like being told that I can't be allowed to be happy because life isn't perfect. I don't like being told that I can't enjoy life because life's not fair. I don't like being told that I can't enjoy what I have and what I do because it's not enough.

I want to be happy with what I have because it's what I have. I've heard people say that this is settling but it's being realistic. When I accept what I am and what I have, that's when I can be more. That's when I am free to move ahead and accomplish more. Leave me alone and quit trying to improve me.

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Rachel Aschmann 2001.
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