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Sunday, March 11, 2001

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I saw "Angels in America" by Tony Kushner this afternoon and loved it. The acting was well done by the U of A drama department and the story is so good. I kept feeling like so many of the different people in the play. It was nearly four hours long but I didn't even realize how long it was until I got out and realized it was after five. It's a little weird and took a while to get into the flow of the story but then I was enthralled.

I go to the Sunday matinee plays as I can get home by bus so most of the audience seems to be retired and in couples. The gentleman in the couple next to me seemed to have hearing problem and kept asking questions in an audible voice. I expect he thought he was whispering. At one point he asks "is everyone homosexual?" and his wife ansered "just the men". This was the general tenor of the conversations they had off and on during the play. I must admit I was surprised at a couple of the scenes since it's more explicit than you normally see but it fit in with the play.

I just missed the next the bus home and the next one was 45 minutes later so I decided to start walking. It passed me when I was just a couple blocks from home so I had a nice walk. It was a bit chilly since there were clouds and it was damper than normal which always makes it feel cooler. The clouds were interesting to watch. I do get tired of cloudless skies sometimes so I always enjoy walking when we have cloudy weather.

I felt very weepy when I got home and I expect part of it was the play but I was a little depressed last night too and even ended up taking a sleeping pill since I couldn't get to sleep. I have noticed that depression has a lot to do with my not sleeping. I know some people sleep a lot when they're depressed but I tend to obsess and then my mind is racing. What I don't know is what starts the depression since there doesn't seem to be a pattern in most of it.

I do know that when I "have" to do something, especially something social I am more likely to get depressed. Having to go to work doesn't depress me, or rather, while it can be depressing doesn't send me into a depression. Knowing I have a social engagement coming up just throws me and I start obsessing, but that isn't the case this time. I enjoy being at social engagements once I'm there, but it's the thinking about them ahead of time that upsets me. Going to a play is not a social engagement since I go by myself and don't feel under pressure. Visiting my kids is not depression causing but visiting other people, even relatives and friends can be.

Still most of the time I don't know what causes it. Some holidays can, but not always. I swear that sometimes it's just the phase of the moon, though I don't pay any attention to the moon phases so I wouldn't know. I know that I identified with the wife of the mormon in the play in that I always felt I could do more and just didn't do it and it was my fault. Nothing like a good religious upbringing to bring out the guilt. Jews don't have more guilt, they just talk about it more than protestants. We are suppose to have that stiff upper lip.

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Rachel Aschmann 2001.
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