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Wednesday, December 6, 2000

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Eating & truth

We had our Christmas dinner at work today. We went to a very nice italian restaurant who opened for us at noon. It was so good, and very inexpensive since we've been having fundraisers all year. Sometimes I think it would be easier to pay the full costs but I know some of the people are really tight for cash and since I've been there I sympathize. We do good parties.

I slept good last night and feel ready to sleep again. It's such a wonderful feeling after two nights of not sleeping. It's such a helpless feeling to lie there and not be able to make myself go to sleep. It's such a total lack of control.

I just want to get December over. I never had a month that I wanted to go by so much. I want to start a new year with a fresh start. There have been too many changes this year. I want a year of just taking it easy and no stress. I know, I'm dreaming. I think I have earned a non-stress year, but life doesn't really care.

I need to do some major uncluttering of my apartment. I am a piler. I pile and pile and then have to put it all away. I make promises that I will put things away as soon as I get done with them, hang up my coat when I get home, wash the dishes as soon as I finish eating, but I never do and, worse, I know I won't and then I feel like a hypocrite.

This is the problem I have with all that positive thinking babble. I can't say I don't procrastinate, because I know I do and I feel like a hypocrite. I can say I will try to not procrastinate but I know I won't try too hard. I don't think you can really do the positive thinking bit with the fervor of a true believer unless you are good about lying to yourself.

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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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