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Monday, December 4, 2000

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Afraid

Cat is sitting on the floor in front of me looking like a black bookend. Now that her sister is in NYC she's only one of a pair, but a cute one. She keeps wanting to sit on my footrest but if I move my feet she's gone as she's such a scared thing. She always has been so I guess we fit together. I've always been scared too and I know how she feels.

I was scared when I had to come up to the states for school while I was still in grade school. I was so afraid though I wouldn't admit it to myself since that would make it real. I was scared of doing something stupid and getting laughed at and still am though now I do stuff anyway since I know no one can never look stupid and you miss out on a lot.

I've always been scared of letting people know me because I was afraid they wouldn't like me or would laugh at me. I've always been more afraid of being laughed at then being disliked. If you're disliked you can dislike them back but if they just laugh at you there's not much you can do. I think that may be part of why I push people away.

That's one reason I am comfortable traveling by myself. I can make a fool of myself and I'll probably never see the people again, that's even if they noticed. People don't usually notice when you make a fool of yourself, it just seems like everyone is watching. It's such a nice anonymous feeling to travel with people who you'll never see again. It's like having privacy in a public place.

I'm sitting here in blessed peace and quiet. I turned the tv off because it was getting on my nerves. After a while all the shows seem alike and all the people sound alike. I enjoy such sitting here in the quiet, not even any music. I used to take all kinds of tapes when I traveled but I rarely played them because they irritated me after awhile. It's like my mind couldn't concentrate on the scenery with the music trying to get my attention.

I like to multitask but I like to be the one multitasking, I don't always like an outside source trying to grab my attention like music or tv does. I've always preferred getting my fiction from books because you can pick them up and put them down. Even with pause buttons, you still don't have the easy in and out that you have with a book.

It's not even eight and I'm yawning since I didn't sleep too good last night. I think I'll take a nice shower and try to sleep. This not sleeping is getting old fast. I've never had it as often as I have in the last year. If there were just something you could do with all the time you lay awake, trying to sleep.


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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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