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Monday, November 20, 2000

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Questions about holidays

I'm was watching all the the christmas craft and cooking shows as I washed clothes and scanned pictures yesterday. I really enjoy these but I just saw one craft that I could not handle. This lady let's her kids decorate their toast with food coloring. Actually they decorate their bread with diluted food coloring and then toast it. It does look nice. Unfortunately she went on to say that you can surprise your family with this in the morning. Yes, that's every mother needs to be doing while she's trying to get breakfast into her kids and all of them out of the house. It's expectations like this that turn good decent moms into raging terrors.

I had a nice relaxing day at home yesterday and then could not sleep last night. It didn't seem like I fell asleep once and I've been a little zonky all day. It didn't help I had to do a little presentation this afternoon, at three, and I was not really with it. I don't do this sort of thing well and get very nervous and not being able to concentrate didn't help any. I felt quite a lot of relief once it was over. I'm not really sure what all I said but I usually fake fairly well.

I answered in spanish when a guy at the bus stop this morning was asking everyone a question in spanish. He talked to me all the time till the bus came and I didn't understand more than a few words. They all talk so fast. I'm down to baby talk spanish. I feel so pathetic since I still have a good accent so they think I should understand.

There was such a cute baby on the bus and he was just bouncing and laughing in his cute little sweats. He could stand up while holding on and was quite a handful, but such a happy handful.

Only two days till we have a four day weekend. I just can't wait. I have been obsessing and worrying and upset over nothing lately. I dislike holidays, except for getting off work, and don't handle all the celebrating very well. Holidays have always been so anxiety producing as I want a perfect holiday and know I won't have that. I enjoy it when I can be with my kids, but the holdays themselves I'm not crazy about.

I like celebrating, I just don't like obsessing over a few days and then nothing the rest of the year. It's like our Angel Tree at work. All these children will get clothes and toys and then we forget about them for the rest of the year. We talk about peace on earth, good will toward men, and once the new year hits, it's the same old, same old. Why can't we just celebrate new grass coming up or a great sunset or a smile of a child on the bus?

It's not even eight and I'm already yawning. I think I'll have an early night.

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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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