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Saturday, October 28, 2000

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Shopping and a fixed bike

I got my bike fixed today and it rides so much easier now that the spoke is fixed and the wheel isn't wobbling against the brake. That does slow one down. I took it to the bike shop by Bookman's which is such a good excuse to spend an hour at Bookman's. I showed restraint and only picked up four books that were on the 25 cent table and I used my trade credit for those. I did write down the names of a few books that looked interesting and picked up a couple at the library later.

I did my grocery shopping in the morning hoping it wouldn't rain and drench my groceries before I got home and it didn't. I decided to take the bus up to the shopping center to do a little halloween shopping since it really did look like rain, but it never rained this afternoon either and I could have gotten much more done if I were on my bike. We got a good rain yesterday and it's very cloudy today so I've been rushing around before it rains again. According to the online weather we are suppose to get more rain on Tuesday. Of course, on Halloween when we're all going to be dressed up for our Halloween fun at work.

In my area I'm looking for the 16th century white trash witch look but I'm pretty much making it up as I go so we'll see how it turns out. I still need to find some cheesecloth and a few other things. You would think the slob part of it would be easy, especially for me, but it's hard to deliberately be a slob while making sure that people realize this is all make believe and you would never, why never, really be that much of a slob! Little they know.

I wandered through a forum on depression today and was struck by how many of them were thrown off kilter by ordinary irritations when they were depressed. Things that wouldn't bother them if they weren't depressed. This happens to me. I was so upset when I found out my bike spoke was broken. I felt like I would never be able to go anywhere or do anything but it was so easily fixed and now I feel foolish at how upset I was. This has scared me all my life as everything can be fine but some minor problem comes up and I just freeze and don't feel like I can do anything about it. I let it just get worse and feel terrible. It's like one of those dreams where you know you need to do something or go somewhere but you can't move. It's hard to even explain to myself.

I've always been able to get up and go to work and work well and this has saved me from becoming totally paralyzed. I don't know if it's fear of becoming a bag lady or, when my kids were little, finding all of us on the street (I actually worried about this) or the shame of not being able to go to work, or what, but I always could work. I didn't always want to work but I expect that most of the work that's done is by people who don't really want to do it, who have other things that they would rather do, who have to make themselves get up and go.


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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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