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Tuesday, August 29, 2000

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Happiness and cool weather

I've always wanted to belong somewhere. To feel at home somplace. I never felt like I have a hometown or place to go home to. I've come to realize lately that this wish to go home and the feeling that there was no home to go to was more that I had left the values and lifestyle that my family had. I moved on in college, or before, but wouldn't admit it. I went to church long after I had realized that I didn't believe in god. I tried to be much more conservative than I really am because I didn't want to be so different from my family. I wanted to belong to the values of my family because I felt that this would make me a part of 'home'.

I think many people in churches are in the same boat I am. It's so hard to be a part of a community outside of church, especially when you are as withdrawing as I am. I think many people stick with political views that they no longer agree with because they don't want to upset people they love. In many ways I feel that this has helped me truly look at what I believe and make hard choices about what does matter to me unlike many people who either believe what they grew up believing, without examining it, or throw it all over and go as far away as they can in an effort to be as different from their upbringing as possible.

What brought this all on? I was wandering around work today and realized that I was happy. I'm usually happy. Even this year with all the losses and changes most of my depression has been because I made myself depressed wishing I could be what I was told I should be. I regretted that I hadn't been the good little daughter who got married, stayed married and went to church. I would depress myself wishing I had a husband even though I'm really fine without one. In fact, though it does get lonely sometimes, I really enjoy living alone.

What is truly depressing is knowing that I have passed up so much happiness because I was trying to be what I was 'suppose' to be not what I really was. I still feel a sadness when I think of my mother because I love her and know there were so many things she could have done but didn't have that option, in a large part because she didn't feel she should or because other people didn't think she should. I'll miss not having family in town, but I know they love me. I don't seem to have time to do the things I want to do now and there are so many things that I haven't even tried.

It was a good day and then I came out of work and it was only 80 degrees. What a great ending. Well, I think I'll work on my pictures for my trip in June. This is another thing that I don't have time to get done, along with a list of books that keeps on growing.

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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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