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Monday, July 10, 2000

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Heat and angst

It has just been hot. I went for long walks on Saturday and Sunday though and it wasn't too bad. I also drank liters of ice water while walking. Still I feel like I have acclimated somewhat to the heat. I even felt too cold at work today since I was wearing shorts. This is a problem in the summer since too often the air conditioning is cranked way up and we're all in shorts.

I've been trying, again, to come to terms with that I'll never do so many things I wanted to do. I guess everyone does this but we all feel like we hurt the most. Even in our twenties we're already seeing that we'll never be able to do everything and when we hit our fifties, like I have, we know that there are so many things we could have done that we haven't. I think it's the "could have" that's so hard.

Of course no one ever does everything they could have done because we are just human and we make choices with so little information and what we do know is clouded by our emotions and experiences so it's a wonder that we do as much as we do do. That seems like really bad syntax. Anyway, I still feel a loss at what might have been even if I really know there was never a chance anyway.

I get angry sometimes that now, when I have more free time, I can't do some things that I might have been able to do in my twenties or thirties. I couldn't do these things when I was younger because I had kids and I can't imagine giving up my kids for anything. I always feel so lucky that I have Mike and Lisa and that they have turned out to be such great, independent individuals. I smile when I think about them.

What I miss most is never really learning how to connect with people. I was always afraid that if people got to know they wouldn't like me. Now I don't care as much but wanting to be "perfect" is still there and a sadness that I let that get in the way of being a friend. I also get mad at the people, a society, an expectation that told me that I wouldn't be loved if I wasn't perfect. I hope my children always know that I love them no matter what, that they are wonderful just the way they are.

That's enough whining for today. Now I need to wash the dishes and go to bed. Well, I need to vacuum also so I think I'll read instead. I'm trying to read about four books at once and it's slow going since they are all non-fiction.

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(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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