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I have been sleeping so much lately but I'm also feeling much better. I can't think of much to write about as I'm working or sleeping most of the time. I remember my sister-in-law, Diane, saying that Aschmanns don't know how to mourn and I think that's part of it. The only other funeral I've ever been to was my brother, Johnny's, and that was when I was twelve years old.
Few people that I was close to or related to have died or I wasn't able to go to the funeral. None of my brothers ended up in Vietnam and my son would never pass the physical even if there was a war now. I wasn't close to my grandparents since we lived so far away and while a couple aunts have died I didn't know them that well either. We aren't a close family. I've never had to deal with death personally.
These are just ideas as to why my Mom's death is bothering me so much. Maybe because we aren't a very close family it's hard on me since I always wanted to be closer to her and it never seemed to work out. I'm looking forward to going on a long bus trip as I can just sit there and watch the world roll by and relax. OK, ok, so I'm weird. Long trips on a bus relax me mentally. They can be tiring physically, but I feel like no one, or no thing, can get to me and I can let go.
My place looks cluttered and I get irritated when when it's like this (most of the time). I want to clean it all out again. I just don't have anywhere to put all the stuff. I can at least put everything away that I can. That always seems to lighten me up. Then I slowly start bringing everything out again as I need things and it will be cluttered in no time. It's like brushing teeth. It just keeps needing to be done. One of my favorite quotes is one from Joan Rivers - "You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again." I get a warm fuzzy feeling to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
5/18/00 - Walked - 4 miles