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Monday, April 3, 2000

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Deciding on my Life

It was nippy when I left home on my bike this morning, so I dressed warmly, but I was too warm by the time I got to work. When I stopped by the store on the way home I was too warm and had to carry my sweater and light jacket. We are suppose to be in the 90s this week. This means that I can probably wear shorts later this week to work, which is nice.

The warmer it gets outside, the colder it will get inside, so now I need to take a jacket to work to wear when I get too cold. You just can't win. Why do they crank the ac down when it warms up? It's so warm outside that just a little cooling feels good. I hate going to a restaurant in the summer and freezing in my shorts and tshirt. Come on people!

It was great riding after work because even though I was warm, it felt good. That nice spring warmth that just takes the chill out of your bones. This is the same feeling when I come out of working in the airconditioning into 100 degrees. The first few minutes are just heaven, before I get too hot.

Soon it will be that soft warmth in the morning that I love. You just start to sweat but the air feels almost like a caress. It doesn't last long but I often get it since I leave for work around six AM. The sky is just starting to light up nicely but still isn't at full light and everything seems so clear. I keep thinking that I should change my schedule so I can work 8:30 till 5:00 and sleep later, but I would miss the early mornings.

I feel like I'm marking time right now, holding my breath. I'm waiting for Mom's memorial service and for what will happen with my life next. I wonder how my father will do but I also would like to move nearer to my children, though I don't know where Mike and Lauri will end up and I'm not sure if I would like living on the east coast. Well, there are all those museums, but the weather sucks.

I was thinking again today that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life, which is kind of sad, but I know so many people who are married who are in many ways alone. I'm glad I am comfortable alone but sometimes it is scary as I have to make structure in my life. So many things are prestructured when you're married, or at least part of a couple. You have someone else to help decide what to do next.

I know that I have to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, not wait for someone to tell me. There are so many choices and I don't know if I'll make the right ones. I would be so bored if everything was planned out and taken care of but sometimes I long for someone to take care of me. I doubt that I would like that for long, but it's hard to not want it when you've never had it.

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Walked - 9.5 mile

(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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