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Saturday, January 8, 2000

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Restlessness

I was watching a show this morning on 'beautiful homes'. The featured house had walls whose inner layer was one of those roll up garage type doors you see on repair shops, that are made of panes of glass. The outer layer of the walls were the metal rollup doors that shopkeepers use at night to prevent break ins.

You can roll up the metal walls and the entire wall is made of glass. You can then roll up the glass walls to be completely open. So wonderful. You would think it would be too industrial looking but it's just magnificent. Of course they are on their own acreage so all you see is nature. I would love that. On a bad day with rain or snow or thunder and lightening, you would be able to sit in the warmth and glory in the display outside.

I read "Misery Loves Maggody" by Joan Hess. She is one of the better humorous mystery writers. Her Maggody characters are such caricatures, except Arly Hanks who has to deal with them, that you can't help but laugh since we've all met people like them. This one give Arly a nice break from Maggody to spend time in the casinos along the Mississippi looking for who was killing members of the Elvis pilgrimage group.

The last few nights I've been very restless. Actually, since Christmas I've been sleeping badly, not being able to get to sleep and then waking up several times during the night. The restlessness carried over to today and I wandered up to the shopping center, even though I didn't want to buy anything and then bought a couple books since I thought it might make me feel better.

I hate it when I get these restless periods. They are almost worse than the periods when I get depressed. At least when I'm am depressed I can feel sorry for myself, which can be quite satisfying in itself, which is why depression is so addictive. This restlessness is more difficult because I don't know what will make it go away and I try everything from buying things I don't need to just wandering without purpose.

Reading seems to be the best medicine but I have to try several books before I can get into one that much. While the Maggody book was fun, I'm still restless. It could be not having something to look forward to or plan for but to often if I have something to plan for I get too anxious to enjoy the looking forward to.

Oh how I envy people who just take life as it comes and don't worry about everything. Who don't care how they look to other people. Who don't care if they don't fit in. I am a worrier and have to make myself do things in spite of the worry or I'd never do anything. I suppose other people worry too but they put on a facade, like I do, that looks confident and in charge of their life.


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Walked - 4.5 Miles

(c) Rachel Aschmann 2000.
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